Life At The Bottom Of The Yardstick

Tom Cable delivers a hit

2009-08-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

Let it be known that on August 17th, 2009, the phrase "if you can't be good, be funny-bad" has been trademarked for use by the 2009 Oakland Raiders. Soon we'll all be wearing t-shirts with said phrase blasted across Tom Cable's visage, as he decided to do some visage-blasting of his own today.

The good news for Cable is he's not alone. This is the second face-punching incident that ended in a hospital trip at Raiders' camp this decade, but the first time someone actually deserved it. Yes, I'm enough of an asshole to say Randy Hanson needed to be punched in the face. Why?

1. Someone had to teach this defense how to hit, and for the last three years it sure as shit hasn't been Randy Hanson.

2. Hanson fucked Tom Cable's wife.

#2 is pure speculation, but I hope it's true. "If you can't be good, be funny-bad."

LIVE FROM LOS ANGELES - THE 'STICK RETURNS!!!! COWBOYS @ RAIDERS LIVE!

2009-08-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

6:17 PM - "Live from Los Angeles" doesn't sound like a big deal when a team plays in Oakland, but unless you paid the regular season price for the preseason game, you have to live down here just to see it live. Are you missing much? Only if your drinking game includes "take a shot every time Greg Papa says 'Echemandu.'"

6:34 PM - There has been a standoff at the Westwood Federal Building, which may delay the start of Raiders' preseason coverage. If this guy thinks pissing off the LAPD was bad, wait until he sees East Los Angeles when the Raiders' first game since December isn't on TV.

7:41 PM - We've been back for a few hours and are already having problems! Sorry!

7:48 PM - Getting myself caught up with the game. There's already been a holding penalty and Thomas Howard's tackling skill is still pretty dreck.

7:51 PM - does it hurt anyone else on the inside knowing this is the most our defense will blitz all season?

7:54 PM - "They sent three, they drop eight..." I could have called the Witten TD as soon as Papa said that.

7:57 PM - Just saw Jamarcus breaking tackles (which Papa said "looked like Plunkett in his prime.." HA!), followed by a Raider fan getting right in a Cowboy fan's face. In preseason...

8:03 PM - My next "Stupid Raider Fan of the Month" will be about the first person to make a "Start Gradkowski" thread! Anytime now...

8:13 PM - Michael Huff's "always go for the interception" style of defensive backing works for the first time ever.

8:17 PM - Greg Papa emphatically reminds us that Charlie Frye is still to come! I, for one, am overjoyed.

8:21 PM - Ricky Brown's pathetic tackling job is saved by a holding penalty. Just a reminder: THIS GUY IS COMPETING FOR A STARTING JOB.... WITH KIRK MORRISON... SHIT!

8:31 PM - Nick Folk shanks a gimmie. Preseason...

8:36 PM - Actual quote from Al Davis during the halftime show: "When I was 18, I was already in college." An 18 year-old in college? No fucking way!

8:47 PM - ATTN Greg Papa - Louis Rankin is not an "intriguing prospect." Sorry.

8:54 PM - Did I say "Bruce Gradkowski?" would lead to a Stupid Raider Fan of the Month column? I meant Louis Rankin.

9:26 PM - George Atkinnson is way too sober tonight. Taking his place in the "drunk Raider legend" category is Jim Plunkett, who's been a chore to listen to this evening.

9:30 PM - I just looked at my girlfriend and said "Wand's having a tough time getting up." Her reply: "I guess you're going home early tonight."

9:37 PM - Cable elects to punt instead of taking a long field goal for the first and last time this season.

9:48 PM - I zoned out until whoever Dallas' third string defensive back is destroyed a photographer after missing a hit in the end zone.

10:03 PM - I heard the Raider Nation Celebration was a great time... if you like watching grown men fight at a children's event. Rumor has it Raider Rob (the host of the day's band events) and Griz Jones (the "godfather..." LOL... of the "66th Mob." Yes, I know there's a real Oakland gang called the 66th Mob, and realize how fucking stupid it is to name your nerdy fan group after them... but I don't hang out with those people) had a brawl in the Coliseum over some personal beef. Don't worry if you missed the fight, they've scheduled a few more. The next one will be in the ball pit at McDonalds on E. 12th St so as many children as possible watch these two settle their important differences.

THE 'STICK IS BACK

2009-08-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

The 'stick returns tonight at 7 PM PST! Come for live updates and laughs as the Raiders take on the Dallas Cowboys in preseason "action!"

Stupid Raider Fan of the Week Award: The "That Was Easy" Edition

2009-02-22T20:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have to search for stupidity, other times it slips and falls on its face right in front of you. In this case, stupidity was riding a Segway, wearing a clown suit, and singing "Cheeseburger In Paradise" as it came crashing to the unforgiving floor.

This week's award goes to RaidersKickAss.com's Sonic Raider, who's keen understanding of sarcasm is on display in this thread (don't worry about signing up for the site, you can read the first post and that's more than enough).

Props to the Bleacher Report's Rory Brown for this hilarious article.

You know he plays corner, right?

2009-02-22T20:24:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, I used to send a letter to Nickelodeon every week hoping to win a shopping spree. Once a week, they’d go live to a Toys R Us where two pre-teens would barrel down the aisles filling their empty carts. It seemed sweet and innocent, but at another glance, two prepubescent’s fighting over plastic toys their parents can’t afford is more disturbing than anything.

This is how Al Davis shops. Instead of examining each toy carefully, he throws the ones he thinks he wants into the cart and waits until it’s time to play to see what they do.

Don’t take this the wrong way, Nnamdi Asomugha is an excellent corner and Chris Johnson played well this season. Shane Lechler has the strongest leg in the NFL. These players would find a starting job on most NFL teams.

Most NFL teams aren’t starting Kirk Morrison and Gerrard Warren.

The deal is perfect for Nnamdi. He remains in California, his home state. He plays on a bad defense, so QB’s have no reason to throw to his side. No one expects Nnamdi to carry the team to a Super Bowl. In other words, this might be the easiest $50 million a player can make.

Defenders of Al Davis will no doubt mention 2010, when the NFL likely goes uncapped for a year. Unless Mr. Davis plans on signing a lot of quality free agents to inflated one-year deals, I fail to see how 2010 justifies this move. 2011 will have a cap, and if Nnamdi’s option is picked up he will make over $16 million. That’s a lot of cap room for a team with a lot of needs.

If the quiet cutting of Gibril Wilson, the most dependable SS in Raider camp in several years, isn't a sign that the cap is something to worry about, what is?

Stupid Raider Fan of the Week Award: The Everyone Edition

2009-02-13T20:09:00.000-08:00

Normally this award goes to one stupid Raiders fan plucked from the vast and idiot-rich Raiders web-o-sphere, but this week's lack of football news has every talentless "visionary" on sites like the Bleacher Report in speculation mode. In the past 7 days, I have seen several blogs detailing the free agent market, focusing specifically on players that would help the Raiders' cause. The mildly stupid are suggesting Takeo Spikes and Max Starks, while the full on numbnuts think this team has a chance at Bart Scott or Albert Haynesworth.

Research is the key to a great piece. When researching free agents, it helps to have an idea what a player will cost and how much your team can spend.

1	Tampa Bay Buccaneers	$42000000
2	Arizona Cardinals	$41000000
3	Denver Broncos	$34000000
4	Kansas City Chiefs	$33000000
5	Tennessee Titans	$31000000
6	Miami Dolphins	$28000000
7	Buffalo Bills	$27000000
8	Detroit Lions	$26000000
9	San Francisco 49ers	$26000000
10	Houston Texans	$25000000
11	Philadelphia Eagles	$25000000
12	Cincinnati Bengals	$22000000
13	New England Patriots	$21000000
14	Minnesota Vikings	$20000000
15	Atlanta Falcons	$20000000
16	Pittsburgh Steelers	$19000000
17	Baltimore Ravens	$19000000
18	Chicago Bears	$19000000
19	Green Bay Packers	$18000000
20	Cleveland Browns	$17000000
21	Jacksonville Jaguars	$16000000
22	San Diego Chargers	$14000000
23	NY Giants	$11000000
24	Dallas Cowboys	$10000000
25	Carolina Panthers	$9000000
26	Seattle Seahawks	$9000000
27	St. Louis Rams	$8000000
28	Oakland Raiders	$4000000
29	Indianapolis Colts	$2000000
30	Washington Redskins	$-3000000
31	New Orleans Saints	$-5000000
32	NY Jets	$-7000000

You read this correctly. The Raiders, in full rebuilding mode, have $4 million to spend in 2009. Even with contract restructuring, the Raiders will have 6 new draft picks to pay, one of whom will demand the salary of a #7 overall pick. Signing a major free agent is not in the cards for the Raiders this year unless Al plans on cutting all his depth. Then again, carrying 1 QB might be better than 2nd option Bruce Gradkowski. What's the worst that could happen? Jamarcus gets hurt and Curry steps in? As bad as this would be, the win total only changes by 1 or 2 games.

This week's award goes to every blogger, internet poster or guy-at-a-bar who spent their time speculating the impossible. You know who else speculates the impossible? Guys who wear tin foil hats and read InfoWars. Maybe you should join them and stop dumbing up the Raider Nation.

LIVE BLOG: Tom Cable Press Conference

2009-02-04T13:12:00.001-08:00

1:13 PM - Follow along at CBS5.com

1:15 - They must be having trouble prying Al from his sleeping chamber.

1:19 - Awfully nice of ESPNNews not to cover this. Would it have cut into too much precious Joe Torre time to let me watch the old man make a fool of himself in HD?

1:24 - Cable looks like he's dressed for a divorce hearing.

1:28 - Wha?

1:30 - "The opportunity to pick all of [my coordinators] myself was a great thing..." HA HA HA HA HA

1:37 - I had no idea Members Only made a Raiders jacket.

1:41 - Al praises his personal foresight on Norv Turner...

2:01 - I think Tom Cable's water glass still has the sticker on the back. He needs to return it to the Raider Image when the PC ends.

2:03 - RaiderFanRadio.com is asking about Cable's offensive philosophy. It's like they get credentialed to ask the token "fan" question. Do they get a pat on the head and a "good job" from real journalists at the end?

2:15 - ATTN: OAKLAND - Al Davis just dodged a question about staying in your city.

Tom Cable named head coach... no one notices

2009-02-03T16:33:00.000-08:00

Not that the speculation was killing anyone, but the Raiders made it known a few minutes ago that Tom Cable will remain head coach of the team. Now that his interim tag has been removed, he can get to work on his best "yes sir."

No word yet on how many weeks Cable has been given to turn the Raiders into a Super Bowl contender, but I expect a firing and follow-up press conference sometime around week 10.

The Old Man Gets New Toys

2009-02-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

There's reason to celebrate Raider Nation, for on the morning of February 3rd, 2009, Ted Tollner and John Marshall were added to a coaching staff that now includes everything except a head coach.

Who the hell are these guys? Tollner's had as many jobs as me! His jobs paid better and didn't require name tags, but really, is being o-coord of the 2005 Detroit Lions any more respectable than my freshman-year gig at Kay Bee Toys?

Telltale sign #1 your team is fucked: the only guy willing to co-ordinate the offense is a glorified seat-filler.

Telltale sign #2 your team is fucked: JOHN MARSHALL IS HIRED TO COACH THE DEFENSE.

Marshall runs a 4-3, he loves smaller defenders, and his defenses are fun to watch if you're playing offense against them. Picture Rob Ryan with two extra decades (though Rob Ryan may not have a job in two decades).

I can only think of two feasible scenarios for Marshall's hiring...

1. Davis is stuck in the 1970's and thinks Jack Tatum and Lester Hayes are in the backfield.

2. Davis is stuck in the 1820's and thinks he's getting a Supreme Court Justice to discipline the defense.

Why does this team bother interviewing coaches? An application would be just fine.

Have you ever...

Worked for the San Francisco 49ers?
Coached in the Pac-10?
Been fired at least 3 times?

If you said "yes" to all 3, welcome to the Raider Nation!

Stupid Raider Fan of the Week Award

2009-01-28T11:04:00.000-08:00

This one was easy. Our newest member of the 'stick Hall of Fame is "ice4444" at the RaidersKickAss.com forums (quality Raider forum if you're into that sort of thing), who posted this gem today.

Arizona listened to Gen Man, myself and others; congrats! Arizona was LAST in rushing offense. 21st in giving up sacks #1 in passing offense What does that mean? They have 3 stud playmakers; Kurt Warner who knows how to deal with a big time rush; Even today he was being rushed at all times. He does slants, check offs to 3 step routes and then has the guy WE SHOULD HAVE DRAFTED in Larry Fitzgerald and Anquain Boldin. The Cards OLINE is avg at best. They are avg. at pass protection and terrible in run blocking. Warner: franchise QB that can carry a team Fitzgerald; best WR in the NFL Boldin; stud WR Most Raider fans RAVED about Gallery and Grove; the NFL combines still has Gallery with a couple of records. Draft superstars, not avg. We are talking about facts, not what might be or excuses. The Raiders need playmakers and other than McFadden; they have none at WR, or QB. Take crabtree in a heart beat; but now i dont think he'll last

I'd like you to meet Levi Brown.

A few fun facts about Levi

He was born in Jacksonville, North Carolina
He was a 2nd team All-American and 1st team All-Big10 player at Penn State
He might have been named after jeans
He was taken with the 5th overall pick of the 2007 NFL Draft

Arizona didn't "listen" to you and neither should anyone else.

Adam Treu reminds us that Barret Robbins is, in fact, fucking crazy

2009-01-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

Adam Treu spent the first chunk of his 12 years with the Raiders answering for Barret Robbins. The question was always "where's Barret and why are you playing?" but that's beside the point. In honor of Super Bowl week, Adam took his time to tell the National Football Post about the Super Bowl experience he should have never had.

In the weeks and months and years that have followed, I’ve learned more about the details of the night before, and about how the Raiders chose to handle it. Barrett eventually found his way back to our hotel Saturday night and was instructed to sleep it off. Whatever “it” was. He was later taken to the workout room in the hotel and put on a treadmill in the hope that movement would bring lucidity. Once he expressed a level of delusion so deep that a simple sweat wasn’t going to erase it (he was happy about winning the Super Bowl and excited for the upcoming Pro Bowl), the team knew he needed help beyond what the trainers and coaches could provide.

Only the Raiders would try to end drug-induced delusions with a few minutes on the treadmill...

EDIT: I paid a visit to Barret Robbins' Wikipedia page and found this

On September 21, 2007, a warrant was issued for his arrest by Miami-Dade police for a parole violation stemming from his run in with police in 2005. To date, authorities have not been able to locate him for extradition back to Florida^[1].

Now that's a Raider!

Eat dick, ratface

2008-11-24T13:24:00.000-08:00

Nothing makes my weekend brighter than a lashing of ol' crispy skin. For the 2nd season in a row, the Raiders have gone 1-1 against Mike Tanahan and the orange and blue... Broncos... hey while we're here, can someone explain to me what the fuck orange and blue have to do with horses? Not that silver and black have anything to do with raiders, but pirates were criminals and Raiders colors make you look like a criminal... so yeah, eat shit.

As weird as it sounds to say, the odds were stacked in our favor. Denver was missing all three of their top running backs, using fullback Peyton Hillis and newly acquired Tatum Bell as their primary rushers. Despite out-gaining Bell by 60 yards, Hillis' possessions remained in his locker even when he wasn't looking. They were also starting fullback Spencer Larsen as a middle linebacker, and lacked the services of Champ Bailey.

What this game did do for the team was end a season-long debate: I now have no doubt in my mind that the Raiders can beat a college team.

Sadly, Mikey Too Tan still walks away with a 21-7 lifetime record against the Raiders.

Raiders Offensive Chart

2008-11-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

To Raiders fans, 2006 is like the fat girl you dated because you hated yourself: it doesn't exist and never happened... right? InsideBayArea.com posted a glaring reminder that the fat girl is back, is stalking you, and is ready to ruin your current relationship by posting those naked pics you took after that bottle of 151.

WARNING: Reading the following stats may cause repeated kicking of self in the scrotum.

Category 2006 (rank) 2008 (rank)
Points per game 10.5 (32nd) 12.8 (32nd)
Yards per game 246.2 (32nd) 255.8 (30th)
Passing yards per game 151.3 (31st) 136.9 (32nd)
Rushing yards per game 94.9 (29th) 118.9 (10th)
First downs per game 15.2 (T29th) 13.0 (32nd)
Third-down percentage 36.3 (23rd) 22.0 (32nd)
Time of possession 28:13 (29th) 28:05 (26th)
Penalties per game 6.9 (7th most) 7.5 (T5th most)
Sacks per game 4.5 (1st most) 3.3 (T5th most)

Random Ex-Raider Sighting: Schweigert signs with Detroit

2008-11-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

Raider fans will always remember Stu Schweigart for his fan-friendly nature, awesome name, and this hilarious video he did with the Sports Action Team. One thing he will not be remembered for was good football.

It warms my heart to see Stu being signed by the only team in more trouble than we are. The Lions' defensive system is similar to the Raiders': miss tackles, allow huge gains, and don't cover anybody. Stu fits this system perfectly, and Detroit fans will have a ball watching Stu fly all over the field and flinging his body at opposing running backs. He may not make contact, but at least the effort is there...

Fret not Lions fans, you're getting a former 3rd round pick! Stu was taken ahead of Max Starks, Bernard Berrian, Chris Cooley, Sean Locklear and Matt Schaub because of his incredible talent, and not because Al Davis is an old, out of touch statue who loves picking DB's that can't tackle.

Additional note: Stu got a 2 year contract, proving that the Lions have replaced Matt Millen with someone equally inept!

Stupid Raider Fan of the Week Award

2008-11-19T18:21:00.000-08:00

Perhaps there is no larger conglomeration of sappy, nostalgic, and obnoxious Raider fans than the site that bears their name: Raiderfans.net. It wasn't but a year ago that saying the Raiders were simply a shitty, talentless and uninspiring team was grounds for ridicule and possible banning. Nowadays, the mood is more sour and realistic, but that hasn't raised the intelligence level one bit.

The saddest thing about this site is 90% of the fans aren't from California. It's not that I have a problem with the other 49, but could I please get some perspective from a fan that isn't a Bible thumper or Mid-Western bro-dude? They demand political correctness, yet only reprimand liberally-minded people for being "too political." When the common themes on a site full of Raiders fans are celebrity gossip, gay bashing, Disturbed, Bible verses and the untapped potential of Seth Wand, it's time to question who's been joining the "Nation" over the past few years.

Now don't get me wrong, there is a ray of light in all of this. RF's Victor Cotto writes "Countdown to Paydirt," which is probably the most comprehensive game-by-game Raiders preview on the internet. For his passion for Raider football, and his tolerance for idiocy, I dedicate this weekly feature to him.

This week, the award is presented to RF.net's xjerseyzfinestx, who left this gem on the main forum.

Date: 11/17/08 08:44 PM

Subject: Quinn makes russell look terrible

Sorry i dont want to bring up another thread about the comparision but ive been watching the browns game and quimm is looking really good even if they lose tonight..he looks really poised and is taking the role as the leader of the team ..its very obvious who is the more established qb ...just wanted to share

Ahh yes, nothing like re-hashing the Brady Quinn vs. Jamarcus Russell argument, and what better time than a whopping TWO games into Brady Quinn's career?

What really makes this post laughable is it was made during a game in which Quinn was 14/36 (38.9% completion rate) with 0 TD's and 185 yards against a 13th ranked defense. If not for the potent running game of the Browns, Quinn's inability to take them down the field (on display for most of the game) would have cost them a win. If that's "looking really good" then what's your problem with Jamarcus?

Say what you will about Jamarcus Russell's abysmal numbers, he's not exactly surrounded with talent. Football Outsiders has the Raiders offensive line ranked 31st in pass protection, giving up a sack on 11% of QB dropbacks. Compare that to Cleveland's 6th ranked line, who've only given up a sack of 3.9% of passing plays, and you have a glaring reason why Brady Quinn may look more "poised" in the pocket.

Neither the Raiders nor the Browns have a wide receiving corps to write home about, but the Raiders have shown a fundamental inability to separate from defensive backs all season. Put it this way: we're heading into week 12 and no Raiders WR has over 200 yards. Braylon Edwards, the Browns' best receiver, is having a pretty bad year, yet still has more yards than any Raider by a longshot (567). To this point, Zack Miller seems to be the only Raider with a pair of hands, and while Kellen Winslow has not been as efficient, he's still a very productive tight end.

The idea that people can rip Jamarcus Russell for being dealt the most impossible hand in sports is beyond me. Simply put, you can't save a franchise on your back, especially when you're a 22 year old "project" with a new coaching staff every season.

The impatient crybabies who are still sour about the Russell pick desperately need a new scapegoat. Even as I'm typing this, I'm cringing at the anticipated responses. I can't wait for the "but Jamarcus had more to work with in college" argument, as if Notre Dame's situation was anything like the current shit-heap in Oakland. The comparisons aren't fair or valid in any way.

We'll post another one of these next week. Be mindful of what you put on the internet, the eye of the 'stick knows no tolerance for stupidity.

Today's Hilarity from Tom Cable

2008-11-19T16:20:00.000-08:00

"Coach" Cable had his weekly bullshit session with Raiders.com today. As usual, Cable offered as little insight as possible while maintaining that everything is A-OK in Raiderland.

Q: What are things that you can do at this point in the season to try and create scoring? You talked about manufacturing points. These are the players you have so what can you do as a play caller?
Coach Cable: I have got to do a better job. I have got to find better angles and better opportunities and better timing of calls. The bottom line with the whole thing is that we need to keep pressing and keep pushing. We will have a breakthrough, you just have to keep fighting until you do it.

"We will have a breakthrough" should be enshrined in the Raiders ex-coach quote Hall of Fame, right next to "this team has the potential to..." and "just wait until these guys improve." Exactly what happens when the Raiders have their "breakthrough?" Unless the skies open up and the hand of God descends, touching each player on the offense and giving them "anti-suck" magic, I'm not waiting for any breakthroughs.

Q: Is part of that learning the players and learning what they do well and the limitations and identifying plays that would work for them?
Coach Cable: There is no question. Getting a feel for it in that role and knowing who can do what and that is very important right now.

I think Kwame Harris is well aware that his role isn't "guy who falls down." Thomas Howard wasn't drafted to play the "guy who can't tackle" position either. Besides, you've been with the team since 2007, you know "who can do what" already.

Q: What part of the offense comes down to the scheme is sound, blocking is there, the talent is there, the players just have to do it?
Coach Cable: I think that is where we are at as I mentioned on Monday. We are pressing so hard once we get across the 50. If you look at the negatives at that point, not just in the red zone, but the 50. We just keep pressing and we have just got to relax and just keep playing.

Pressing once they get across the 50? THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN PLAYING FOOTBALL SINCE GRADE SCHOOL! Sure, Cornell Green wasn't blocking then, but if the 50 yard line intimidates you, quit football and get a real job.

Faced with the task of crossing another 50-yard line, Michael Bush opted to leave the NFL. Bush is happy with his new job, a weekend concierge at Motel 6, though he's continually reprimanded for wearing his helmet and pads to work. "Can't blame me for being prepared," Bush said in an interview. "We could cross that 50 any day now, and then the call comes and... BOOM BABY, my time to shine!"