Stupid Raider Fan of the Week Award: The "That Was Easy" Edition

Sometimes you have to search for stupidity, other times it slips and falls on its face right in front of you. In this case, stupidity was riding a Segway, wearing a clown suit, and singing "Cheeseburger In Paradise" as it came crashing to the unforgiving floor.

This week's award goes to RaidersKickAss.com's Sonic Raider, who's keen understanding of sarcasm is on display in this thread (don't worry about signing up for the site, you can read the first post and that's more than enough).

Props to the Bleacher Report's Rory Brown for this hilarious article.

You know he plays corner, right?

When I was a kid, I used to send a letter to Nickelodeon every week hoping to win a shopping spree. Once a week, they’d go live to a Toys R Us where two pre-teens would barrel down the aisles filling their empty carts. It seemed sweet and innocent, but at another glance, two prepubescent’s fighting over plastic toys their parents can’t afford is more disturbing than anything.

This is how Al Davis shops. Instead of examining each toy carefully, he throws the ones he thinks he wants into the cart and waits until it’s time to play to see what they do.

Don’t take this the wrong way, Nnamdi Asomugha is an excellent corner and Chris Johnson played well this season. Shane Lechler has the strongest leg in the NFL. These players would find a starting job on most NFL teams.

Most NFL teams aren’t starting Kirk Morrison and Gerrard Warren.

The deal is perfect for Nnamdi. He remains in California, his home state. He plays on a bad defense, so QB’s have no reason to throw to his side. No one expects Nnamdi to carry the team to a Super Bowl. In other words, this might be the easiest $50 million a player can make.

Defenders of Al Davis will no doubt mention 2010, when the NFL likely goes uncapped for a year. Unless Mr. Davis plans on signing a lot of quality free agents to inflated one-year deals, I fail to see how 2010 justifies this move. 2011 will have a cap, and if Nnamdi’s option is picked up he will make over $16 million. That’s a lot of cap room for a team with a lot of needs.

If the quiet cutting of Gibril Wilson, the most dependable SS in Raider camp in several years, isn't a sign that the cap is something to worry about, what is?

Stupid Raider Fan of the Week Award: The Everyone Edition

Normally this award goes to one stupid Raiders fan plucked from the vast and idiot-rich Raiders web-o-sphere, but this week's lack of football news has every talentless "visionary" on sites like the Bleacher Report in speculation mode. In the past 7 days, I have seen several blogs detailing the free agent market, focusing specifically on players that would help the Raiders' cause. The mildly stupid are suggesting Takeo Spikes and Max Starks, while the full on numbnuts think this team has a chance at Bart Scott or Albert Haynesworth.

Research is the key to a great piece. When researching free agents, it helps to have an idea what a player will cost and how much your team can spend.

1	Tampa Bay Buccaneers	$42000000
2	Arizona Cardinals	$41000000
3	Denver Broncos	$34000000
4	Kansas City Chiefs	$33000000
5	Tennessee Titans	$31000000
6	Miami Dolphins	$28000000
7	Buffalo Bills	$27000000
8	Detroit Lions	$26000000
9	San Francisco 49ers	$26000000
10	Houston Texans	$25000000
11	Philadelphia Eagles	$25000000
12	Cincinnati Bengals	$22000000
13	New England Patriots	$21000000
14	Minnesota Vikings	$20000000
15	Atlanta Falcons	$20000000
16	Pittsburgh Steelers	$19000000
17	Baltimore Ravens	$19000000
18	Chicago Bears	$19000000
19	Green Bay Packers	$18000000
20	Cleveland Browns	$17000000
21	Jacksonville Jaguars	$16000000
22	San Diego Chargers	$14000000
23	NY Giants	$11000000
24	Dallas Cowboys	$10000000
25	Carolina Panthers	$9000000
26	Seattle Seahawks	$9000000
27	St. Louis Rams	$8000000
28	Oakland Raiders	$4000000
29	Indianapolis Colts	$2000000
30	Washington Redskins	$-3000000
31	New Orleans Saints	$-5000000
32	NY Jets	$-7000000

You read this correctly. The Raiders, in full rebuilding mode, have $4 million to spend in 2009. Even with contract restructuring, the Raiders will have 6 new draft picks to pay, one of whom will demand the salary of a #7 overall pick. Signing a major free agent is not in the cards for the Raiders this year unless Al plans on cutting all his depth. Then again, carrying 1 QB might be better than 2nd option Bruce Gradkowski. What's the worst that could happen? Jamarcus gets hurt and Curry steps in? As bad as this would be, the win total only changes by 1 or 2 games.

This week's award goes to every blogger, internet poster or guy-at-a-bar who spent their time speculating the impossible. You know who else speculates the impossible? Guys who wear tin foil hats and read InfoWars. Maybe you should join them and stop dumbing up the Raider Nation.

LIVE BLOG: Tom Cable Press Conference

1:13 PM - Follow along at CBS5.com

1:15 - They must be having trouble prying Al from his sleeping chamber.

1:19 - Awfully nice of ESPNNews not to cover this. Would it have cut into too much precious Joe Torre time to let me watch the old man make a fool of himself in HD?

1:24 - Cable looks like he's dressed for a divorce hearing.

1:28 - Wha?

1:30 - "The opportunity to pick all of [my coordinators] myself was a great thing..." HA HA HA HA HA

1:37 - I had no idea Members Only made a Raiders jacket.

1:41 - Al praises his personal foresight on Norv Turner...

2:01 - I think Tom Cable's water glass still has the sticker on the back. He needs to return it to the Raider Image when the PC ends.

2:03 - RaiderFanRadio.com is asking about Cable's offensive philosophy. It's like they get credentialed to ask the token "fan" question. Do they get a pat on the head and a "good job" from real journalists at the end?

2:15  - ATTN: OAKLAND - Al Davis just dodged a question about staying in your city.

Tom Cable named head coach... no one notices

Not that the speculation was killing anyone, but the Raiders made it known a few minutes ago that Tom Cable will remain head coach of the team. Now that his interim tag has been removed, he can get to work on his best "yes sir."

No word yet on how many weeks Cable has been given to turn the Raiders into a Super Bowl contender, but I expect a firing and follow-up press conference sometime around week 10.

The Old Man Gets New Toys

There's reason to celebrate Raider Nation, for on the morning of February 3rd, 2009, Ted Tollner and John Marshall were added to a coaching staff that now includes everything except a head coach.

Who the hell are these guys? Tollner's had as many jobs as me! His jobs paid better and didn't require name tags, but really, is being o-coord of the 2005 Detroit Lions any more respectable than my freshman-year gig at Kay Bee Toys?

Telltale sign #1 your team is fucked: the only guy willing to co-ordinate the offense is a glorified seat-filler.

Telltale sign #2 your team is fucked: JOHN MARSHALL IS HIRED TO COACH THE DEFENSE.

Marshall runs a 4-3, he loves smaller defenders, and his defenses are fun to watch if you're playing offense against them. Picture Rob Ryan with two extra decades (though Rob Ryan may not have a job in two decades).

I can only think of two feasible scenarios for Marshall's hiring...

1. Davis is stuck in the 1970's and thinks Jack Tatum and Lester Hayes are in the backfield.

2. Davis is stuck in the 1820's and thinks he's getting a Supreme Court Justice to discipline the defense.

Why does this team bother interviewing coaches? An application would be just fine.

Have you ever...

• Worked for the San Francisco 49ers?
• Coached in the Pac-10?
• Been fired at least 3 times?

If you said "yes" to all 3, welcome to the Raider Nation!