Eat dick, ratface

Nothing makes my weekend brighter than a lashing of ol' crispy skin. For the 2nd season in a row, the Raiders have gone 1-1 against Mike Tanahan and the orange and blue... Broncos... hey while we're here, can someone explain to me what the fuck orange and blue have to do with horses? Not that silver and black have anything to do with raiders, but pirates were criminals and Raiders colors make you look like a criminal... so yeah, eat shit.

As weird as it sounds to say, the odds were stacked in our favor. Denver was missing all three of their top running backs, using fullback Peyton Hillis and newly acquired Tatum Bell as their primary rushers. Despite out-gaining Bell by 60 yards, Hillis' possessions remained in his locker even when he wasn't looking. They were also starting fullback Spencer Larsen as a middle linebacker, and lacked the services of Champ Bailey.

What this game did do for the team was end a season-long debate: I now have no doubt in my mind that the Raiders can beat a college team.

Sadly, Mikey Too Tan still walks away with a 21-7 lifetime record against the Raiders.

Raiders Offensive Chart

To Raiders fans, 2006 is like the fat girl you dated because you hated yourself: it doesn't exist and never happened... right? InsideBayArea.com posted a glaring reminder that the fat girl is back, is stalking you, and is ready to ruin your current relationship by posting those naked pics you took after that bottle of 151.

WARNING: Reading the following stats may cause repeated kicking of self in the scrotum.

Category 2006 (rank) 2008 (rank)

Points per game 10.5 (32nd) 12.8 (32nd)

Yards per game 246.2 (32nd) 255.8 (30th)

Passing yards per game 151.3 (31st) 136.9 (32nd)

Rushing yards per game 94.9 (29th) 118.9 (10th)

First downs per game 15.2 (T29th) 13.0 (32nd)

Third-down percentage 36.3 (23rd) 22.0 (32nd)

Time of possession 28:13 (29th) 28:05 (26th)

Penalties per game 6.9 (7th most) 7.5 (T5th most)

Sacks per game 4.5 (1st most) 3.3 (T5th most)

Random Ex-Raider Sighting: Schweigert signs with Detroit

Raider fans will always remember Stu Schweigart for his fan-friendly nature, awesome name, and this hilarious video he did with the Sports Action Team. One thing he will not be remembered for was good football.

It warms my heart to see Stu being signed by the only team in more trouble than we are. The Lions' defensive system is similar to the Raiders': miss tackles, allow huge gains, and don't cover anybody. Stu fits this system perfectly, and Detroit fans will have a ball watching Stu fly all over the field and flinging his body at opposing running backs. He may not make contact, but at least the effort is there...

Fret not Lions fans, you're getting a former 3rd round pick! Stu was taken ahead of Max Starks, Bernard Berrian, Chris Cooley, Sean Locklear and Matt Schaub because of his incredible talent, and not because Al Davis is an old, out of touch statue who loves picking DB's that can't tackle.

Additional note: Stu got a 2 year contract, proving that the Lions have replaced Matt Millen with someone equally inept!

Stupid Raider Fan of the Week Award

Perhaps there is no larger conglomeration of sappy, nostalgic, and obnoxious Raider fans than the site that bears their name: Raiderfans.net. It wasn't but a year ago that saying the Raiders were simply a shitty, talentless and uninspiring team was grounds for ridicule and possible banning. Nowadays, the mood is more sour and realistic, but that hasn't raised the intelligence level one bit.

The saddest thing about this site is 90% of the fans aren't from California. It's not that I have a problem with the other 49, but could I please get some perspective from a fan that isn't a Bible thumper or Mid-Western bro-dude? They demand political correctness, yet only reprimand liberally-minded people for being "too political." When the common themes on a site full of Raiders fans are celebrity gossip, gay bashing, Disturbed, Bible verses and the untapped potential of Seth Wand, it's time to question who's been joining the "Nation" over the past few years.

Now don't get me wrong, there is a ray of light in all of this. RF's Victor Cotto writes "Countdown to Paydirt," which is probably the most comprehensive game-by-game Raiders preview on the internet. For his passion for Raider football, and his tolerance for idiocy, I dedicate this weekly feature to him.

This week, the award is presented to RF.net's xjerseyzfinestx, who left this gem on the main forum.

Date: 11/17/08 08:44 PM

Subject: Quinn makes russell look terrible

Sorry i dont want to bring up another thread about the comparision but ive been watching the browns game and quimm is looking really good even if they lose tonight..he looks really poised and is taking the role as the leader of the team ..its very obvious who is the more established qb ...just wanted to share

Ahh yes, nothing like re-hashing the Brady Quinn vs. Jamarcus Russell argument, and what better time than a whopping TWO games into Brady Quinn's career?

What really makes this post laughable is it was made during a game in which Quinn was 14/36 (38.9% completion rate) with 0 TD's and 185 yards against a 13th ranked defense. If not for the potent running game of the Browns, Quinn's inability to take them down the field (on display for most of the game) would have cost them a win. If that's "looking really good" then what's your problem with Jamarcus?

Say what you will about Jamarcus Russell's abysmal numbers, he's not exactly surrounded with talent. Football Outsiders has the Raiders offensive line ranked 31st in pass protection, giving up a sack on 11% of QB dropbacks. Compare that to Cleveland's 6th ranked line, who've only given up a sack of 3.9% of passing plays, and you have a glaring reason why Brady Quinn may look more "poised" in the pocket.

Neither the Raiders nor the Browns have a wide receiving corps to write home about, but the Raiders have shown a fundamental inability to separate from defensive backs all season. Put it this way: we're heading into week 12 and no Raiders WR has over 200 yards. Braylon Edwards, the Browns' best receiver, is having a pretty bad year, yet still has more yards than any Raider by a longshot (567). To this point, Zack Miller seems to be the only Raider with a pair of hands, and while Kellen Winslow has not been as efficient, he's still a very productive tight end.

The idea that people can rip Jamarcus Russell for being dealt the most impossible hand in sports is beyond me. Simply put, you can't save a franchise on your back, especially when you're a 22 year old "project" with a new coaching staff every season.

The impatient crybabies who are still sour about the Russell pick desperately need a new scapegoat. Even as I'm typing this, I'm cringing at the anticipated responses. I can't wait for the "but Jamarcus had more to work with in college" argument, as if Notre Dame's situation was anything like the current shit-heap in Oakland. The comparisons aren't fair or valid in any way.

We'll post another one of these next week. Be mindful of what you put on the internet, the eye of the 'stick knows no tolerance for stupidity.

Today's Hilarity from Tom Cable

"Coach" Cable had his weekly bullshit session with Raiders.com today. As usual, Cable offered as little insight as possible while maintaining that everything is A-OK in Raiderland.

Q: What are things that you can do at this point in the season to try and create scoring? You talked about manufacturing points. These are the players you have so what can you do as a play caller?

Coach Cable: I have got to do a better job. I have got to find better angles and better opportunities and better timing of calls. The bottom line with the whole thing is that we need to keep pressing and keep pushing. We will have a breakthrough, you just have to keep fighting until you do it.

"We will have a breakthrough" should be enshrined in the Raiders ex-coach quote Hall of Fame, right next to "this team has the potential to..." and "just wait until these guys improve." Exactly what happens when the Raiders have their "breakthrough?" Unless the skies open up and the hand of God descends, touching each player on the offense and giving them "anti-suck" magic, I'm not waiting for any breakthroughs.

Q: Is part of that learning the players and learning what they do well and the limitations and identifying plays that would work for them?

Coach Cable: There is no question. Getting a feel for it in that role and knowing who can do what and that is very important right now.

I think Kwame Harris is well aware that his role isn't "guy who falls down." Thomas Howard wasn't drafted to play the "guy who can't tackle" position either. Besides, you've been with the team since 2007, you know "who can do what" already.

Q: What part of the offense comes down to the scheme is sound, blocking is there, the talent is there, the players just have to do it?

Coach Cable: I think that is where we are at as I mentioned on Monday. We are pressing so hard once we get across the 50. If you look at the negatives at that point, not just in the red zone, but the 50. We just keep pressing and we have just got to relax and just keep playing.

Pressing once they get across the 50? THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN PLAYING FOOTBALL SINCE GRADE SCHOOL! Sure, Cornell Green wasn't blocking then, but if the 50 yard line intimidates you, quit football and get a real job.

Faced with the task of crossing another 50-yard line, Michael Bush opted to leave the NFL. Bush is happy with his new job, a weekend concierge at Motel 6, though he's continually reprimanded for wearing his helmet and pads to work. "Can't blame me for being prepared," Bush said in an interview. "We could cross that 50 any day now, and then the call comes and... BOOM BABY, my time to shine!"